I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm determined to sit on that face.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
