we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
