its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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