I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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