The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
