So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
