Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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