i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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