Girls should come with a carfax report
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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