I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
