I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize