apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Say something about gay babies.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
