he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
