She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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