I should be sponsored by Trojan
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
