What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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