Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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