Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
