haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
