i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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