if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
