hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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