everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
