Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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