pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
