East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
pop tarts are not kleenex
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
