you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
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He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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