I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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