I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
