How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
