cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
