I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
