Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
