There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
