I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Randomize