May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
