Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
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do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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