My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just invented taco cereal.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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