next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize