he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
