so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
