I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
