I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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