Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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