wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
