You just made me feel so damn special
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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