This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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