i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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