it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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