The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
