hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
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Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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