ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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