I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
