So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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