how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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