i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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