Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
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i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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