the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
